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Silly earpieces! You’re too old for tricks or treats!

The recent Secret Service prostitution scandal in Columbia is just the latest talk show pundit fodder to push record unemployment, a dysfunctional federal government and a Morton’s fork of a Presidential election off the front page. Apparently, the guys with the hidden guns and earpieces have the same carnal needs as the non earpiece wearing population. One Secret suit proffered a mere $30.00 when he promised his date eight bills. Most  johns not charged with protecting the President of The United States fork over the agreed upon fee for services rendered, a mere assumption on my part, I assure you. The Secret Service was one of a handful of American institutions that enjoyed public respect from from both sides of the unbridgeable partisan divide, though the sight of the aged Clint Eastwood, huffing and puffing beside a fictional Presidential motorcade in a film called, “In The Line of Fire”, must have hurt recruitment for years afterward. I now offer up a list of American institutions which long ago joined the ranks of the unloved. Your regard may vary:

Starbucks, The D.A.R., Amway distributors, every mechanic but mine, The Boston Red Sox, The Masons, (nearly extinct)  The Quakers, (extinct) the Shakers, (extinct) Swing dancers, (wish they were extinct) census takers, Mary Kay pink cadillacs, guys running in tights, girls running in too many clothes, gamers, Star Wars nerds, spin class worshippers, house flippers, step dancers, knitters, Dancing With The Stars, Desperate Housewives, John Boehner’s enablers, Snooky’s handlers, home brewers, 99ers, The House of Commons, model train enthusiasts, Wii players, fantasy footballers,  home canners, notary publics, city council sergeants-at-arms, Colonial re-enactors, Myth Busters fans, public access TV hosts, train spotters, comb-over guys, Rhonda Shear “Ahh Bra” models, Keith Olbermann, horse whisperers, Yoga Lite instructors, drumming circles, crop circles, sewing circles and flip phone squares, Tea Partiers, Palin stalkers, Jay Leno’s car collection, Conan fans, Steam Punkers, Ron Paul worshipers, Lingerie football fanciers and coffee house novel scribblers, Hunger Games repeat offenders, the cult of Dick Proenneke, every goth and vampire wanna be and every person, everywhere, born and unborn, past present and future in every seen and unseen dimension who thinks that Julia Roberts and Anne Hathaway are attractive women.

Even the name, “Secret Service”, is a misnomer. They are the most public secret organization known, outside of the U.S. Congress, of course. Though nine agents have been fired or cashiered out of the club altogether, the military people involved in the scandal have managed to keep their identities private and out of the newspapers for the most part. Is it time to turn over Presidential security to the military and CIA altogether? A top army sniper can take out a target from half a mile away. The reported effectiveness of unmanned drones abroad has been an unvarnished success for Obama, a man who takes flak from all sides for merely existing.  The Secret Service seems to now be more of a brand as opposed to a respected organization. There are several established government assets which can do the same job the Secret Service does. Why all the worship? It’s just highly specialized security and shouldn’t it be done quietly and without publicity? A single Columbian working girl has helped rifle a hard earned reputation and hold it up to world wide ridicule. It may be time to start over, as the disgraced agents must now do.

May the remaining Secret suits stay faithful to their wives and girlfriends, may the former members of the Earpiece Gang find meaningful employment while embracing monogamy or celibacy and may the GOP one day reject the joy of sects, the Tea Party and all others, in favor of honest and fair minded governing. For those of you scoring at home, a “Morton’s fork” is a choice between two bad options like broccoli or spinach, beige or brown, soy or tofu and Mitt Romney or the faux progressive running for his second term.

Timmy Geithner sold separately.

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