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The Flat Earth Party bites its wounds


With the presidential election safely behind us, Senator Mitch McConnell is already tapping donors for the unnamed automaton that will lurch forward with the shredded GOP banner in 2016. It will either be Romney 3.0 or the long awaited clone of Ronald Reagan, who is being hand raised in an undisclosed lab in a seceding Red Meat state. The clone can’t handle solid food yet, with the exception of jelly beans, imported directly from China.

Rumor has it that after losing the election and cancelling his eight minute fireworks display over Boston Harbor, Mitt flew home, slept for an hour and then began firing servants until his appetite came back. His identical sons drowned their sorrows with whole milk in dirty glasses while Ann Romney engaged in a marathon session of retail therapy. Mitt tested his new car elevator until it needed its 500 lift maintenance check. After the technician was finished, Willard fired him too. On November 14, it was reported that Willard held a private gripe session with his donors. It was agreed that Obama won by giving “gifts” away to core constituencies, like breaks on student loan interest and health care. Such evil cannot be tolerated. Mitt said nothing about his gifts, found at the bottom of his tax forms for the last 10 years.

The great joy about the Republican Party is that it harbors no mystery about who it works for. The Four Theses nailed to the GOP church door cannot be repeated without debilitating laughter.

“The Rich Create Jobs.”

Once you can choke down this first one without suffocating, you are well on your way.

“The Rich Are over taxed.”

Handle this second one just like the first. Repetition is the key and remember to breathe.

“Obama Raised Taxes.”

Barry did not raise taxes during his first term but he wants to raise them on the richest two percent while giving a tax break to the remaining 98 percent in his second term.

“Americans are over taxed.”

They got one right. Only 53 percent of Americans are paying taxes every April but 80 percent of the population pays payroll taxes and we are taxed otherwise the moment we leave our homes in the morning. If you buy anything in this economy, you are taxed. No one escapes. While the country is distracted by a randy general and his ambitious biographer-mistress, the phrase, “Fiscal Cliff”, is repeated with cult like regularity. The shock troops at Fox News are being forcibly medicated while Donald Trump doctors up a Kenyan birth certificate with Obama’s name on it. The Congress is forming committees to investigate the Libya embassy attack.

These are the birds who impeached Clinton and it says here they will soon spring the same thing on Obama. The GOP is dying and lacking any insight, subtlety or ability to change, they will try to accomplish through impeachment what they could not do at the ballot box. The public will see this as the utterly desperate and despicable act that it will be and it will only deliver the presidency back to the Democrats in four years time. Hillary is sure to appreciate that. In four years, the Tea Party will be back to meeting in church basements, Sarah Palin will be on public access cable and Obama will likely have appointed a new Supreme Court Justice so Antonin Scalia will have to actually peruse the law instead of bitching about forced broccoli consumption.

Just over a year from now, the Affordable Care Act will have gone into full effect. Praise the Lord and pass me those forms, will ya? Otherwise, no political party cooperates during its own extinction. The last Republican will one day be captured in the wild, that being the John Birch Society Clubhouse, humanely euthanized and displayed at the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Museum. If we’re very fortunate, Romney 3.0 and Bonzo’s clone will one day join it. Between the House, Senate and presidential races, a combined six billion dollars was spent for a bought off and divided federal government. Twelve billionaires pulled the strings behind their creepy PAC’s and the rubes fell for the Change mantra the moment the barkers cleared their throats. Say what you want about corruption on both sides but the things that have bettered this nation on the whole have come with the donkeys in charge. As for the GOP, haven’t we followed the elephants around with shovels for long enough?







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